The Struggle Is Effing Real

I'm struggling ya'll. 

I'm struggling with being a good mom. 

I'm struggling with being a good teacher to the boys. Especially Bear. 

I haven't been very nice to him. 

I'm struggling with keeping the house even remotely clean. 

I'm struggling with losing weight.

I'm struggling with my motivation...for anything. 

Even things I want to do.

I'm struggling with this blog, which I want solely

as a keepsake for me. 

I'm struggling everything. 

And I'm so ambivalent to it all which is the most frustrating part.

I have no energy.

I have no WANT to do anything. 

I don't even have a good way to turn this post around. I don't have any 

good advice. I don't have a plan. 

Today I lost it with Bear. I was trying to get him to do his summer schoolwork.

Every damn mommy blogger, pediatrician, and teacher talk about how you should

do summer school work with your kid. It is good for them, teaches them work ethic

etc etc etc. 

Well. I suck at it. Bear sucks at it. He is great, perfect in school and when 

he gets home he becomes this little brat that can't be bothered to do

SIMPLE schoolwork. Wont read a level 1 "Spot digs dirt" book

and then I find out he's reading Harry effing Potter in school. 

This kid won't do a damn thing for me but will bend over backwards for

his teachers. It hurts. But I would be able to handle it if I wasn't quickly

becoming his teacher because of this COVID thing. 

So today I lost it. And I yelled. And I made my little boy cry. And the worst

part was that I didn't care. I was that angry. 

And then, after I told him how much he hurt my feelings that he is rude to me

and won't do his schoolwork and is just generally mean to me I turned around. 

As I was walking away he goes: "So are we still going to go get my slushy?"

Kids can be such assholes. 

I had to leave the room and collect myself. And just completely shut down emotionally.

I went back in the room and said that we can go get his slushy for finally 

completing his schoolwork. But that we were going to start the day over. 

I wasn't going to yell. But I also told him that I wouldn't tolerate his 

attitude or rudeness to me either. 

So we went and got lunch. And I got a damn burger, sometimes it is more 

important to get the goody so you can be a better person. 

He was so excited about his slushy.

And I let him. I didn't bring up the horrible morning we just had. 

This kid loves me no matter how much I yell, or how bad of a mom I am. 

He just loves and forgives unconditionally.

I should do the same. 

So today was a hard day. We cuddled on the couch and played games for 

a while during the afternoon. I tried to remember he is my sweet little boy, 

and I should treat him that way. 

I will try to do better tomorrow. That's really all I can do. 

-Ri